A Whitelaw Towers Special Report!
Howard Crawford is following Nick Folkes down the lonesome path to craziness and experts are advising caution when dealing with him.
Whitelaw Towers has consulted behavioural analysts from Griffith University who studied the secret footage supplied by ace Facebook troll Michael Allen. Monitoring patterns of his speech, as well as visual cues in his facial expressions, experts have diagnosed a dangerous man freefalling into madness. They say that the symptoms are “as obvious as the big shoes on Bozo the Clown.”
|Crawford daydreaming while dining with ace Facebook troll Michael Allen. Experts speculate that he was trying to psychically channel the house duck|
Worse yet, they advise that there is no cure, and that Crawford’s best bet is to find a quiet corner of Thailand where strange behaviour goes unnoticed and settle down there. They warn that any further involvement in political intrigue will “have him flapping his elbows and singing the Chicken Tonight song.”
Last week, we reported on Nick Folkes and his own wrestle with the mental elf, which PFF sources say is compelling the sad fool to step down from his leadership role.
Speaking to an anonymous insider, Whitelaw Towers learned of Nick’s incurable melancholy that has him, “Incessantly consulting the Tora.”
|Nick Folkes with Radka Smith at an impromptu demonstration at the Sydney Holocaust Museum|
Nick is apparently ignoring his tucker and looking bedraggled. Co-workers have described Folkes as “stoned” and they fear that he is likely to cause an industrial accident when he “tunes-out at the wrong time”. Workers say he is frequently unresponsive and whistles at inappropriate moments.
All of this, argue our experts, is a result of the mind games that Crawford has inflicted upon him. Moreover, these same psychological shenanigans have gone to Howard’s head.
Crawford has become obsessed with Nathan Sykes, who he has accused of placing a curse upon him. Speaking with Thai-born mystic Pim Nut in Sydney’s north-west where Crawford runs a chicken farm, we learned that Crawford often consults this practitioner of the spiritual arts.
“Howie visit lots,” Nut told us. “Him pay me in chickens.”
Crawford became superstitious while living in Thailand where he was convinced of being inhabited by the spirit of black magic woman Mae Nak. He quickly sought entrance into the dark world of the Thai occult.
|Crawford feels the spirit of Sykes inside him and tries to expel it with Hatha Yoga breathing exercises|
“Howard was always peculiar,” admitted a former member of Squadron 88 who recounts he would “burn human hair and do this weird Tai Chi.”
That Howard is losing his grip on reality does not surprise the former S88 sergeant at arms. “He was out there [at his chicken farm] at night trying to get his chickens to attack. But the spell didn’t work.”
We have learned that Howard intended to use his attack chickens against those he considers enemies. Sykes was earmarked for one such chicken attack.
“Yeah, Howard wanted to get him with the chickens at his rooming house in Newtown,” we were told. “But he doesn’t live in one. Howard’s now spewing ’cos the car upholstery is all pecked with holes and covered in feathers.”
'Check Out The Chicken' by Grandmaster Chicken and DJ Duck is Crawford's personal anthem
Crawford became convinced that Sykes had inhabited the soul of one of his stressed-out chooks. It was from that bird that he leaped inside Howard.
“This Sykes drive Howie crazy,” Pim Nut revealed. “Him get inside chicken and jump into Howie’s body; make Howie into big dufus.”
Others are less alarmed by Howard’s creepy antics. Josh Chamberlain admins a satirical Facebook page called ‘The Real Aussie Patriot’, which was originally set up to mock Shermon Burgess and the patriot movement.
“Howie and I started swapping info a while ago,” he said. “We now meet regularly. We have even become good friends. Howard tells me about his personal problems, and stuff that happens on the [chicken] farm.”
Chamberlain is of the opinion that this whole “curse” deal is just Howard’s way of coping with male menopause.
“Howard blames this AFP member Vic Waterson. He is totally obsessed with him, too, more so than Sykes. He reckons Vic gave him impotency. Then there is this Sykes thing. When the time is right, Howard will settle the score personally. I know for sure he’s planning to knock at Sykes’s door and run away.”
Whitelaw Towers has been receiving tranches of deranged texts from Crawford’s alter-ego Mark Waterford. The content of these messages is too disturbing for our readers, and despite Chamberlain’s assurances, our experts disabuse any hope of Crawford’s recovery.
“From here on Howard will degenerate into the bed-wetting stage,” we were told. “Thereafter he'll become unpredictable. When he smiles like he does in that restaurant, there is a good chance he will pull out an axe from behind him. Thereafter, it will resemble Rambo meets the Chant of Jimmy Blacksmith.”